Bereavement

“Author and professional Funeral Presider Kevin Burch shows how giving the eulogy for someone you have known and loved is always rewarding and worthwhile, and how, with his simple, six-step process, is actually far easier than most people think…”

Imagine a wedding where the wedding speeches are made by someone who has never met – or barely knows – the bride and groom.

Would that be a shame? Would it be a lost opportunity for celebrating the lives, the love and the years that these people have shared and will share, both with each other and with the audience around them?

And yet all too often, with a funeral, this is exactly what happens. And people frequently regret it for years to come. “I wish I’d stood up and said something,” they say.

Of course, in a way it’s perfectly understandable. The time between a person’s passing and the funeral is naturally a sad and emotional one for those left behind. And because many people are at first daunted by the idea of delivering a eulogy, it’s all too easy to leave it to someone else.

And yet the reality is that it doesn’t have to be that way. As well as being a great honour, and an opportunity to do something of value for everyone who will be there, giving the eulogy is guaranteed to be a positive and moving experience for the person who steps up for the task. And, with the right approach and support, it can actually be pretty straightforward. In all my years of experience, I have never met anyone who regretted giving a eulogy.

And here are the six steps you can take to make the process easier and even more rewarding for you, for all your own special reasons.

At a time like this, it pays to take a little time for yourself, so you can reflect for a while and connect with your memories of this special person. Remind yourself of the very good reasons you are doing this, and also bear in mind the truth, which is that people who hear your speech will be extremely supportive, and will actually be grateful to you for doing it.

There are two kinds of eulogy – the short biography, and the personal view. You simply need to choose the right one for you.

The short biography considers someone’s life as a whole. That doesn’t mean it covers everything, rather that you start at the beginning – when and where they were born, etc. – and mention the various parts of their life, up until their last days. This way you touch on the different aspects of their life, plus it can also be a very personal approach, especially when you include happy stories and memories.

The personal view is more like a slice of the person’s life, a series of snapshots. It can be purely your own experiences, stories and impressions of their character, or you can include other people’s memories too. This is very poignant, especially if you write as if you are talking directly to the person who has gone, e.g. “I’ll always remember the time when you…”

Some funerals have both kinds of eulogy – a short biography from a family member, plus a personal view from a colleague or friend, for example.

What if you could imagine floating up in a balloon, and looking down on someone’s life as a series of photographs laid out below you?

This step is simply collecting those photos. You can rely on your own memories and knowledge, or ask others for their input. You might ask about their most precious memories, or things they remember that really show the person’s character. And you can also gather facts on the person’s childhood, family, career, pastimes, passions, dreams, best ever holidays, etc.

Bear in mind that humour is a good thing. Yes, funerals are sad, but this person also had happy and funny times in their life, and telling stories of these can be a great way to really bring their memory to life. And you’ll be giving people the healing gift of laughter.

For the opening you might simply welcome people and acknowledge the sadness of the day. For the closing you can sum up the person’s character, say how much they’ll be missed, thank those who have helped, and perhaps invite people back somewhere.

And for the middle, simply put your building blocks in broadly chronological order, as if you were having a conversation about the person. If you want to keep your speech to about five minutes, you may need to discard some building blocks – trust your own best judgement on this.

Once you’ve drafted out your speech, you need to read it aloud a few times, because this way you’ll naturally notice improvements you can make.

You can also borrow a wonderful technique which Olympic athletes use to calm their nerves. What they do is, they make a movie of themselves running the race, with everything going well (see yourself giving the eulogy, with everything going well). And once they’re happy with the movie, they step inside and run it again, looking out through their own eyes, hearing through their own ears, and feeling how good it feels to have everything going well like this.

Muhammad Ali did this many times for every fight he ever had, which is one reason his predictions so often came true. And you can use the same approach to make sure you deliver this eulogy really well too.

This is a time to make things easy for yourself. If you can, find out beforehand about the room layout, the lectern, the microphone, how many people will be there, etc. The more you know the more confident you will feel. Also, if you had any concern about being too emotional, ask someone to stand by as your back-up person for reading the eulogy, as this will again boost your confidence.

Then, on the day, print the eulogy out double spaced so that it’s easy for you to keep your place, take two copies of it just in case, and carry a small bottle of water so you can keep your mouth moist before and during your speech.

My friend, when you follow these steps, you will be doing a great service in three ways:

To the special person who has gone, by honouring their memory
To the people who hear you, by giving them the gifts of sharing, of fondly remembering, and of healing
To you, by giving yourself the chance to do something special, to heal yourself at an even deeper level, and to know you have made a difference
And as you look at it like that, I wonder how easily you can now see what a wonderful thing it is to give the eulogy, to share the memories and stories, and to bring some love and laughter at a time of sorrow and loss.

“Kevin Burch is a Professional Funeral Presider and author of the eulogy guide ‘A Eulogy to Remember – How to give a great eulogy in six simple steps’, which presents a simple, six-step process for successfully delivering a eulogy and includes example eulogies, appropriate poems and quotes, and even some 30-minute fill-in-the-blanks templates which you can use if you are really short of time.